For most of the nation’s children, a breast is probably the first thing they ever see. A more natural, nurturing and beautiful appendage is hard to imagine. With all the latest erection inducing ads flooding the Superbowl, the guardians of morality, like FCC's Michael Powell, seem a little confused. Perhaps Mr. Powell and the rest of the women-hating, uptight morons going ballistic over (gasp) the exposure of Janet Jackson's breast, think we ought to be feeding our children formula out of AK47’s instead. -- February 6, 2004

In the last couple of months, frightening whores from a couple of TV networks botched two major stories -- Ronald Reagan and Jessica Lynch -- wrapping them in sensationalized packaging. From the bowels of NBC and CBS comes the incredible story of an American dream that nobody could ever forget...except the two of them! Ronnie and Jessica -- the most fanciful story ever told! -- November 8, 2003

Maybe this is how it is in William Bennett's dark, smoke-filled world of roulette wheels and blackjack tables or Rush Limbaugh's hydrocodone heaven, or Bill O'Reilly's toxic, over bloated ego. Their ill-concealed hypocrisies are the only things more revolting than some steroidal, testosterone-imbalanced bastard shoving his robotic hands up the skirts of our Moms or sisters. -- October 21, 2003

Roy Horn, the Roy of the magicians Siegfried and Roy, who have been torturing animals and humans alike in the cheeesiest, glitziest show to ever hit the Las Vegas Strip, was mauled by a white tiger after tapping it on the nose with a microphone. There's hope however, that not only will he recover, but that a jack of all trades -- between jobs, and armed to the hilt with painkillers -- will save the day. You, however, might need a few painkillers yourself. -- October 6, 2003