Tinker, tailor,soldier, sailor, Swaggart, Haggard, Faggot, Priest!!!

The Pastor from the New Life Church
Found himself left in the lurch
Snorting meth made him stray
Pay for sex wild and gay
And his own reputation besmirch

His life he termed dark and repulsive
For his sins so obsessive compulsive
He left poor gullible Gayle
His wife, home, alone, frail
Trysts meticulously planned, not impulsive

His flock was amazed and distraught
Pastor Ted a fag, who would have thought?
Hateful rhetoric for those homos
Their gay marriages, no no’s
But their asses, so sweet, could be bought

Tell us Mike Jones, was it thick
Did he snort as he rode on your dick?
Did he know where you got ‘em?
Did he make a good bottom?
His hypocrisy sure made you sick

Pray Lord, tell us what Jesus would do
Bumps of crystal and male hookers too?
Would he continue to preach hate?
While pretending to be straight
Or have the balls to tell us what’s true?

Gayle, Marcus and kids, don’t you fear
Before long this foul scandal will clear
But just don't rest assured
He’ll miraculously be “cured”
He’s a husband, a dad and a queer

Of all the excuses we’ve heard of late, even going back to Bill Clinton’s, "I never had sexual relations with that woman," nothing quite beats the latest excuse from Ted Haggard the president of the National Association of Evangelicals who appears to have a propensity for crystal meth-enhanced gay sex. This latest FOK (friend of Karl) finally sheds some light on how James Guckert aka Jeff Gannon got into the White House press room.

Haggard resigned on Thursday after a Denver escort named Mike Jones claimed to have had many drug-fueled trysts with Haggard – for cash. In an interview with MSNBC, Haggard, looking as haggard as his name, sheepishly claimed that he bought crystal meth from Jones, but didn’t use it (a kind of sniffing it without actually inhaling it variation) and threw it away, resisting the temptation that had led him to the gay hooker for "only a massage" to begin with.

Having tried crystal meth myself, (I’ll try anything once) I assure you, the only massage happening involved a penis and a prostate (with release).

From disgraced congressman, Mark Foley, to pathetic Ted Haggard (and the unfortunate Gayle Haggard), the biggest problem facing religious zealots and homophobes, is that their own worst enemy is one of their own creation. The closets they want gays to stay trapped in, are invariably the cause of their undoing. Healthy, self-expressed gays and lesbians won’t be brought down by revelations as to who they are if they’re honest to begin with. Hypocrites, adulterers, liars and cheats, on the other hand...

Clinton Fein, Tinker Tailor Soldier Sailor Swaggert Haggard Faggot Priest, Annoy.com, November 4, 2006

Ted Haggard, excerpt from the documentary Jesus Camp

Rev. Ted Haggard, Senior Pastor of New Life Church, stated today that he could "not continue to minister under the cloud created by the accusations made on Denver talk radio this morning." He, therefore, placed himself on administrative leave, pending investigation, spiritual counsel, and a decision by the church's board of overseers. Pastor Haggard said, "I am voluntarily stepping aside from leadership so that the overseer process can be allowed to proceed with integrity. I hope to be able to discuss this matter in more detail at a later date. In the interim, I will seek both spiritual advice and guidance."

Press Release, New Life Church, Colorado Springs, Colorado, November 2, 2006

We, the Overseer Board of New Life Church, have concluded our deliberations concerning the moral failings of Pastor Ted Haggard. Our investigation and Pastor Haggard’s public statements have proven without a doubt that he has committed sexually immoral conduct.

The language of our church bylaws state that as Overseers we must decide in cases where the Senior Pastor has “demonstrated immoral conduct” whether we must “remove the pastor from his position or to discipline him in any way they deem necessary.”

In consultation with leading evangelicals and experts familiar with the type of behavior Pastor Haggard has demonstrated, we have decided that the most positive and productive direction for our church is his dismissal and removal. In addition, the Overseers will continue to explore the depth of Pastor Haggard’s offense so that a plan of healing and restoration can begin.

Press Release, New Life Church, Colorado Springs, Colorado, November 4, 2006

Four visions came to him on the mountain: a stadium full of men worshipping God...Haggard had experienced a vision in high school after he was born again. He said he saw demons hovering over newborn babies at a hospital, waiting to instill in them negative character traits such as hatred, greed, drug use and masturbation.

Haggard believes he never will leave New Life Church. He doesn't need to. He can write books, travel to Nigeria, connect the world in prayer and continue to deliver sermons, perform weddings and conduct funerals.

He can do it all from here, his Jerusalem, from the church he saw on the mountain.

Eric Gorski, Reality stems from pastor's Vision, Colorado Springs Gazette

I am so sorry for the circumstances that have caused shame and embarrassment for all of you," he said, adding that he had confused the situation by giving inconsistent remarks to reporters denying the scandal.

The fact is I am guilty of sexual immorality. And I take responsibility for the entire problem. I am a deceiver and a liar. There's a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I have been warring against it for all of my adult life.

Pastor Ted Haggard, Statement, New Life Church, November 5, 2006

The devious SOB *still* hasn't admitted to having sex with a man! For all his letter of apology reveals, the "part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I've been warring against it all of my adult life." could be the urge to vote Democratic.

"The accusations that have been leveled against me are not all true," Haggard wrote. That's not how you confess and repent.

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned... but not in all the ways that you may have heard and I'm not going to volunteer any details you haven't heard. Just forgive me and let's move on." Riiiight.

So, what's true and what's not? Sex with a man; buying meth; using meth; paying for sex?

What sins of which Haggard has NOT been accused (recently) are true?

- Inciting the killing of homosexuals by preaching that "we don't have to debate about what we should think about homosexual activity, it's written in the Bible"?

What's written in the Bible:

"If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them." - Leviticus 20:13

- Promoting preemptive war and wanton killing?

http://www.harpers.org/SoldiersOfChrist-20061103288348488.html

“I teach a strong ideology of the use of power,” he says, “of military might, as a public service.” He is for preemptive war, because he believes the Bible's exhortations against sin set for us a preemptive paradigm, and he is for ferocious war, because “the Bible's bloody. There's a lot about blood.”

- The hubris of building a "World Prayer Center" whose high-tech multimedia mesmerism puts a Microsoft product launch party to shame?

- The duplicity of spending church money on homosexual erotic art? Here's a description of the compass inlaid on the floor of the "World Prayer Center's" atrium, from the Harper's article cited above:

"Each point directs the eye to a contemporary painting, most depicting gorgeous, muscular men—one is a blacksmith, another is bound, fetish-style, in chains—in various states of undress."

LOL! There are none so blind as those who will not see.

- Setting his shock troops to pray in front of the homes of suspected "witches", driving 10 out of 15 victims to put their homes up for sale in just one month?

- Bearing false witness by accusing a proponent of evolution theory of "calling my children animals" and threatening him with trespassing at Haggard's own invitation?

- Preaching self-centered egotism in his book, "Dog Training, Fly Fishing, & Sharing Christ in the 21st Century"?

"I want the church to help me live life well, not exhaust me with endless ‘worthwhile’ projects.”

Sure, share Christ, who is free as in beer, but be stingy with your time and money.

(Ironically, in the same paragraph Haggard wrote, "I don't want surprises, scandals, or secrets . . ." :-)

- Driving a Chevy instead of the Fords favored by his idol, President Antichrist?

David Hakala, Respnse to the Pastor and the pro, RockyMountainNews.com, November 6, 2006