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Monday, May 1, 2017

Trump Voters Explain


1. I voted for Trump because I hate the fact that I two people who love each other can marry each other. And who better to emblematize the sanctity of marriage than a pussy grabbing adulterer currently on his third marriage?

2. I voted for Trump because I believe oil companies deserve multi-million dollar subsidies but the government providing a helping hand to those who have fallen on hard times, or who arenít privileged, is unfair and revolting to me.

3. I voted GOP because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money on things like affordable healthcare or another golfing trip to Mar-A-Lago than I would funding my opiate addiction.

4. I voted GOP because censorship is fine if you dare to criticize the President and as long as I disagree with what is said, but the Second Amendment is absolute and has no nuance whatsoever.

5. I voted GOP because although Iím responsible enough to own a gun, I donít see why felons, murderers, thieves and people with mental illness shouldnít be able to buy enough weaponry to open up an armory.

6. I voted GOP because I believe that people who know enough about science to enable my mobile device, wireless and Internet, and amplify my conspiracy theories on blogs and podcasts, know nothing about climate science, polar ice caps and carbon footprints or anything that might require me having to sacrifice driving the biggest, gas-guzzling vehicle possible.

7. I voted GOP because Iím so concerned about the lives of fetuses Iím willing to compare them to children, so long as they (and their mothers) donít expect handouts once theyíre actually born. And so we can continue to call ourselves pro-life while killing as many death row inmates as quickly as possible, before DNA or other science is able to exonerate them.

8. I voted GOP because I donít think illegal aliens should be able to work hard and pay taxes, nor be entitled to strong families, even though we call ourselves the Family Values party. And so we can break up their families to prevent them from eventually outvoting us, and thinking they can compensate for it by providing us with unfertile pockets of lands and casino rights as if weíre Native Americans.

9. I voted GOP because I believe that businesses should be allowed to make profits for themselves by enjoying tax-free infrastructure Americans paid for with hard-earned tax dollars, shirking the slightest bit of regulation and oversight, and at the expense of dumping toxins into our rivers and polluting our skies. Thatís why God made rubber wet suits and gas masks.

10. I voted GOP because I believe conservative judges need to sit on the Supreme Court no matter what nefarious rules we break to ensure it and despite the Constitutional imperative of a President to nominate and seat a justice. And enable activist senators to ignore the will of the voters, in the name of curtailing activist judges.

11. I voted GOP because I think that itís better to ignore our own trope of ďlet the market decideĒ and instead, dissuade and unfairly penalize already-profitable, environmentally-friendly renewable energy companies so we can continue to rely on planet-destroying fossil fuels by simply slapping ďcleanĒ labels onto them. And by drilling offshore, in the Arctic and anywhere else we might suffer more oil spills, so we donít offend BP, Exxon-Mobil and other old school energy companies that canít be expected to fend for themselves with their subsidized, multi-billion dollar profits and need our protection more than ďwelfare momsĒ working two jobs.

12. I voted for Trump because I was so offended by the idea of Hillary Clintonís email server compromising classified intelligence, I thought we would be better off with an unvetted friend of Vladimir Putin as National Security Adviser and who lied about working as a foreign agent to secure top level security clearance. Only to be fired.

13. I voted Trump because heís so busy signing meaningless, legally indefensible Executive Orders and playing golf at Mar-A-Lago every weekend, it helps me forget how incensed and outraged I was when President Obama did it on occasion, which helps me forget that Iím willing to turn a blind eye to treason, malfeasance, nepotism and incompetence, so long as I can keep chanting USA, USA loudly enough.

14. I voted for Trump because I want a President who hides his tax returns so that we can feel secure that our interests are paramount to his business interests, and we donít let nepotism get in the way of conflicts of interest.

15. I voted for Trump so that we could gleefully gut the State Department by 37% whilst still screaming, albeit very occasionally now, Benghazi with the appropriate amount of self-righteous indignation.

*No pregnant rape victims who were denied abortions were killed by mentally ill gunmen in the drafting of this list. (Married women, who canít be raped anyway, werenít included in the count.)


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