Ashcroft's Sad Farewell

Tuesday, November 9, 2004

by Clinton Fein

Kill Me With Cruelty, Torture My Truth
Darken My Passion, Steal My Youth
Chill My Desire, Murder My Mind
Leave Me With Nothing, Leave Me Behind

Drop In On My Silence, Listen In on My Song
Reveal All My Secrets, Make My Melody Wrong
Choke My Compassion, Strangle My Trust
Bludgeon My Weakness, Chainsaw my Lust

Rape My Temptation, Destroy All My Dreams
Record My Confusion, Wiretap My Screams
Lambaste My Liberty, Sever My Sadness
Rip My Security, Crucify My Madness

Imprint My Recklessness, Barcode My Jive
You’re Not Wanted, Sir, Dead or Alive.

-- Clinton Fein, December 31, 2001

Office of the Anointed Attorney General
November 9, 2004
Message from the Anointed Attorney General to Justice Department Employees

Nearly four years ago. in my first message to the Justice Community, I wrote to each of you of my goals for this noble Department: to "slowly desecrate the American justice tradition that strives to bring subjugation to the weak, torture to the restrained, desolation to the oppressed, and a false sense of security to all."

Today I write to you at the close of my time as the Attorney General, gratified that together we have accomplished our goals.

On November 2nd, I submitted to the President my intention to resign from the office of Attorney General of the United States, effective upon the filibuster of the nomination of my successor. As I take leave of this high office, I am filled with gratitude to you, the men and women of the Department of Justice, for a dark and ominous period of service that has ushered in a mockery of justice and delusional sense of security for the American people. We live today in an America that is more dangerous and belligerent than ever before; an America where freedom is not a promise but a joke, not a dream but a myth.

In defiance of the American people we have compiled a record of achievement that is horrific if judged merely by peacetime standards, and terrifying and constitution-defying specifically if judged by wartime standards.

But for a time of war, your record is awe inspiring. Shock and awe inspiring. I say “your,” because if I was to take credit for everything I’ve done, I would be tarred and feathered or treated like we do those who believe in Allah or who have database-sensitive names that don't sound like Tom Smith or Timothy McVeigh.

For three years since the worst attack in our nation's history (against us), and in defiance of all expectations, America has not endured another major terrorist attack. (What happened to that anthrax anyway?) Violent crime is at its lowest rate in three decades. I offer no statistics, and of course when I speak of a decrease in violence and crime, I refer only to the land we occupied prior to our assault on Iraq.

We have engineered double-digit reductions in the rates of sexual assault, robbery and assault. Gun crime prosecutions are at a record high and violent crimes committed with guns are at a record low, despite our position on assault weapons which are crucial to our culture of life. Second Amendment’s okay. It’s the First that’s the damn problem. Wiretapping is up, electronic surveillance is up, detention without trial is becoming commonplace, and the Geneva Conventions have been appropriately shelved. Drug use among the nation's youth is declining. That’s only if you count what we deem illegal, not such drugs as Ritalin, Xanax, Adderall, Welbutrin, Starbucks, Marlboro Lights, Coors or any of those drugs that allow us to focus just enough to numb ourselves and kill others with such little effort. Corporate criminals are facing justice, and integrity has been restored to the nation's marketplace as anyone following the career of Martha Stewart will tell you. America's values, as set forth in our Constitution, reflected in our laws, and cherished in our hearts, have been mutilated and degraded.

Throughout our nation's history - throughout the history of civilization - men and women have struggled to define and to achieve justice. The opening words of the Constitution tell us that "to establish justice" is one of the founding reasons for the United States, and who knows more about the Constitution than I? Justice is the moral wart of our nation, and the eternal panic of our hearts. But still we are left with the question: What is justice? After three decades of public service (which ended after I lost the election to a corpse) and four years as your Attorney General (in which I passed the Patriot Act that is possibly the worst thing that has happened to the Constitution in America’s short history), I am confident in this answer: You are justice. You are the eyes that watch over the nation. We set up Operation Tips so that you can report the suspicious, un-Christian, immorality of your neighbors. You are the hands that voted to end equal justice before the law. You are the feet on the street that support the erosion of our inalienable right to live in freedom. You are the electric wires that punished innocent prisoners at Abu Ghraib. I am oblivious to a large percentage of the American people who bristle at your disservice to the nation.

Lastly, speaking for myself, I express my gratitude to my soon-to-be-Constitutional God for the each day the sun strains to rise through the polluted sky on an insecure and unsafe America. For the past three years, my every working day has begun with a prayer to Jesus Christ our Lord followed by a report - a catalog of the murderous acts being plotted against Christians. That we have passed these three years in safety and security, despite our unsecured ports, borders and cargo is a credit to Jesus alone and the President on who’s behalf he rules the world.

But it would be the height of stupidity to assume we achieved this with the help of any other higher power than our own Christian God. The Psalms remind us: 'Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stands guard in vain," My friends and colleagues, for four years we have stood watch together. In fact it was the Lord, not I, that really spearheaded the Patriot Act. We have suffered many things and we have made others suffer many more. It has been the honor of my lifetime to stand beside you. And as I take my leave of this tainted post, I know that our efforts have not been in vain. The Builder of our city and the Author of our freedom has stood beside us, just like He did on September 11th and just as He does over the thousands that are dying in Iraq. He stands beside us still, and so you’d better be damn careful before Gays marry each other, women abort any more soldiers and He decides to punish us for it.