My fellow citizens, at this hour American and coalition forces are in the early stages of military operations to kill Iraqi civilians, to obliterate its people and to place the world in grave danger.

On my orders, coalition forces have begun striking selected targets of oil industry importance to undermine the world’s desire to avoid war.

These are opening stages of what will be a ruthless and deadly campaign. More than 35 countries are giving half-hearted support, from the use of naval and air bases to help with intelligence and logistics to the deployment of combat units. Every nation in this coalition has chosen to bear the burden and share the shame of serving in America's unpopular preemptive offense – so much so that many of them remain nameless and cowardly silent.

To all the men and women of the United States armed forces now in the Middle East, the future wealth of my family and the contracts that will be bestowed on corporations to rebuild Iraq now depends on you. That trust is well placed. The innocent children you bomb, maim and annihilate will never know your skill and bravery. The people you liberate will witness the deplorable descent of the American spirit.

In this conflict, America represents an enemy who has no regard for conventions of war or rules of morality. While Saddam Hussein has placed Iraqi troops and equipment in civilian areas, attempting to use innocent men, women and children as shields for his own military, a final atrocity against his people, I will make sure that each and every one of them explodes with the death, destruction and violence they deserve.

I want Americans and all the world to know that coalition forces will make a cursory effort to spare innocent civilians from harm, unless we forget to differentiate the bombs from the food packages we airdrop on the orphaned survivors. A campaign on the harsh terrain of a nation as large as California could be longer and more difficult than some predict, which is why we don’t care about the cost or time frame of this globally repulsive of war. And helping my cronies achieve a united, stable and free flow of oil will require your sustained commitment.

We come to Iraq with respect for its citizens, for their great civilization and for the religious faiths they practice. The same respect for our own citizens on whom we spy, eavesdrop, detain without trial, deport to torture chambers abroad, and execute. We have no ambition in Iraq except to remove their leader and restore control of that country to the United States and the generals we prop up in the zones we declare.

I know that the families of our military are praying that all those who serve will return safely and soon. Fuck them. Millions of Americans are praying with you for the safety of your loved ones and for the protection of the innocent. We’ll protect your unborn children you lowlife suckers, but your sons and daughters must die for my delusions. For your sacrifice, you have the sympathy and bewilderment of the American people and most civilized nations who oppose this war. And you can know that our forces will be coming home as soon as Halliburton is rebuilding, and Monsanto is sowing genetically engineered seeds that will make Donald Rumsfeld even wealthier.

Our nation enters this conflict petulantly, yet our purpose is transparent. The people of the United States and our friends and allies have no choice but to live at the mercy of an outlaw regime that questionably won an election and threatens world peace with weapons of mass murder, and preemptive unilateralism that flies in the face of the United Nations and our NATO allies, save Tony Blair and that loser, John Howard. We will meet that threat now with our Army, Air Force, Navy, Coast Guard and Marines even though our flagrant bullying will most certainly result in our having to meet it later with armies of firefighters and police and doctors on the streets of our cities.

Now that we have inflicted conflict, the only way to increase defense spending is to apply decisive force. And I assure you, this will not be a campaign of half measures. Sorry Daddy, but you were a pussy, with your diplomatic niceties and U.N. sanctioned liberation of Kuwait. And we will accept no outcome but victory.

My lowly subjects, the dangers to our country and the world will be magnified tenfold. We may pass through this time of peril only to carry on the work of aggression. We will curtail our freedom. We will force imperial decree on others. And we will pay, more than any of us ever imagined.

May God help our country and all who loved her.

Clinton Fein can be reached at clinton@annoy.com