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Saturday, March 11, 2000

Gush and Bore and Nothing More
A Campaign 2000 Autopsy

by Clinton Fein

According to The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Third Edition the word "gush" means among other things, "to make an excessive display of sentiment or enthusiasm." The same dictionary, defines the word bore as "to make weary by being dull, repetitive, or tedious."

No two words better describe what is left for us to endure over the next eight months and sum up what we have already suffered since the primaries began last year. Campaign 2000 is the most horrific phenomenon to hit America since Columbine, replete with MSNBC and CNN and the rest of the cesspool that comprise American media bombarding and polluting our consciousness with the same drab experts, analysts and pundits that predicted the removal of Bill Clinton from the White House. We had to confront it eventually, and the slew of Presidential candidates that lined themselves up for the primaries were such an excruciating bore, we decided to suspend our campaign coverage until the general elections rather than participate in this endless gush of meaningless and boring editorials and opinions.

At this point we thought we would hypocritically join the fray as it would be instructive to do a primary post-mortem and take a look at the road kill left in its wake.

First Round Losers

Orrin Hatch, once considered a respected, albeit misguided, senator was one of the first casualties of the primaries. While taking airtime from the real candidates, this smarmy Utahan joke bored us with what he would do as President while never rising above 1% of Republican votes in every poll ever taken. Dumb enough to think he would still be taken seriously as a leader whilst demonstrating such ridiculous, impossible-to-achieve vision, his withdrawal from the race garnered as much interest as a weather forecast in Kiev. At least Ohio Representative John Kasich had the grace to bow out early when he realized the only person who would vote for him was his wife, and even that was dicey.

Lamar Alexander is too much of a bore to even comment on, and the only helpful thing former Vice President Dan Quayle did the entire campaign season was give the kiss of death to George W by endorsing him publicly -- about as helpful as an endorsement from former Orange County loud-mouthed misogynist and anti-immigrant Bob Dornan who was humiliatingly defeated and sent packing by a Latina female, Loretta Sanchez.

Liddy Dole

The feminine side of compassionate conservatism, this former Red Cross Florence Nightingale wannabe did little more than suggest she should be President because she's female, with occasional lip service to actual women's issues. Despite a record no better than George W's, she pointed to him as too rich and well funded to compete against, rather than to her own lack of vision, insight or competency. Soft money, hard money. Seems like even the oldest profession in history was better executed by the other gender.

Gary Bauer

The God Squad candidate. The alien-eyed misfit from the Family Research Council did nothing more than visually publicize a disturbing and unnatural obsessive-compulsive fixation on fetuses and homosexuals. He bowed out eventually, but should be considered as a strong candidate for electro-conversion therapy. This man needs a lot of help, and his candidacy was nothing more than a loud, high-pitched and agonizing cry for it.

Pat Buchannan

Party Pooper. To a grateful GOP's relief, Hitler's protégé deserted the Republican Party he helped destroy in 1992, making a ditch to run for the Reform Party resulting in its demise, and the resignation of Jesse Ventura. Not likely to have an impact on the Presidential race, let alone have a shot at the Presidency. Too rambunctious and argumentative for anyone to really tolerate anyway, and no one is aching for World War III, especially the way this guy would have handled World War II. Maybe his sister Bay will vote for him.

Alan Keyes

The race card candidate. It's not because he's black that the media ignores him, it's because he's an unusually articulate raving lunatic, dolling out in dollops, his role as victim and arbiter of morality, while riding a tidal wave of political correctness that shields him from the horror he would face if the media were to actually cover him. Exactly what America wants in a leader. A whiny crybaby with excuses, reasons and justifications and no willingness to assume responsibility. Still clinging on like a desperate parasite, he has about as much chance of becoming President as David Duke.

John McCain

Put up a good fight, but in the end, no one really cared about the Vietnam POW hero days he milked to death - and then some. In a culture so superficial most of us barely remember Monica Lewinsky, his long-winded gush on campaign finance reform proved to be such a bore that a Texas billionaire graciously and altruistically alleviated our collective boredom (although short-lived) by financing an attack ad on McCain's environmental record and making the Vietnam vet loose his temper. His public outburst all but ruined the vein-popping restraint he exercised during a debate where Alan Keyes attacked him on his abortion record. Addicted to the politics of fighting, like his wife Cindy, he just did not know when to say No.

Bill Bradley

Shame!! Nice guy really, but so was Pee Wee Herman. America cannot and would not elect a President so boring that one cannot but wonder whether the earnest Ernestine Bradley was nodding off during his speeches or mimicking Hillary Rodham Clinton's Shut Up and Nod technique. Shooting hoops once upon a time is one thing, killing people with boredom quite another.

Al Gore

However well Tipper is able to tune out when Al does the Bill Clinton truth game schtick (better than she is able to tune out offensive lyrics mind you), you can rest assured humble pie does not make the list of Gore diet habits. Bad habits include raising more than $55,000 in illegal "straw" donations from obviously Gucci-habited nuns in at the Hsi Lai Temple. From inventing the Internet to defending his dubious White House phone calls, the one controlling legal authority we ourselves earned courtesy the Supreme Court, allows us to tell the Vice President in annoyingly indecent terms what we think about his Communications Decency Act, Child Online Protection Act and "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Pursue, Don't Harass" policy. Newsflash Al, we don't only inherit inflated economies and bloated markets from the Clinton Administration.

George W. Bush

The smirking, sneering little frat boy spending millions to demonstrate that Daddy's dynasty and dollars are his birthright and a good reason why he should become the next American President. With little more experience aside from being bailed out of every business disaster he's dabbled in, his greatest achievement is his ability to deny stays of executions, as his state Texas lethally injects nearly as many people as it kills with inadequate health care. From Karla Faye Tucker to the abuse of breast cancer, George W's compassionate conservatism vis a vis women was stolen from the O.J Simpson school of gender parity.

So there you have it folks. Gore has already promised to bore some more by making campaign finance reform the cornerstone of his campaign in an attempt to hoodwink the stupid and deserving electorate into thinking his own fund raising irregularities are nothing more than a lesson well learned. And despite his gush, Bush is in no rush to embrace any of the campaign finance issues raised by John McCain's crusade now espoused by Al Gore. Jesus Christ! At least they both are equally responsible for mixing politics and religion in their quest to become the Commander in Chief and defender of the very Constitution that frowns upon such mixing.

Nothing now can change the score, for bad or worse and less not more. The more they gush, the more they bore and all that's left is Bush and Gore.


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